My thoughts have for the last years really put me on a rocky road when it comes to relationships, women, and who I am. I’ve had my heart broken to the point where I was almost afraid of my own life. It was such a trauma to my being at the time that It couldn’t do anything but to witness it’s own demise at the hands of my own actions. The past doesn’t exist anymore, yet I still have memories lingering on. Thoughts of what I should have done, could have done, and how it would have been. These are all thoughts, and they are not the center of this post.
During my recent transformations, I’ve had a lot of insights, some of them massive.
Some say I look different, some say I’m a different person and I am.
The past no longer exists.
During my Tantric massage therapist training I got a lot more in touch with my own sensitivity, my own feeling, and my own intuition.
I connected on a deep level and found some lost emotions that lingered inside my body.
Releasing them felt like opening up more and gave space for something new.
My experiences of late tells me that the past only exists in our body.
What we do today gives ripples for tomorrow, and a life time of doing things without an authentic self love, does things to a body.
In the now, we can become conscious and allow a healing to take place. It can be to be aware of your body during training,
it can be to finally properly stretch or to exercise so that your posture or weak knees for example improves.
What we experience now, gives subtle and also massive pointers to what we have done in the past.
The last week after my TMT training, I find my self taking more and more responsebility of the NOW, and there is change happening.
My economy is straightening up, i’m getting things organized, my logistics is improving etc.
I’m taking more and more the reigns of my own life.
The last 3,5 years now, I’ve been focused on my growth after me and Karoline went our separate ways.
It have taken a long time for me to come to terms with that part of my life.
Some women you simply cannot stop loving, and I’m lucky to have share a few years of my life with her.
I find my self in a very grateful place, grateful for the beautiful moments I got to share with her, grateful for the lessons I received.
I’m grateful for the love I have received, and that she chose to spend a part of her life with me.
I’m grateful for her. So far in my life she has been my greatest teacher.
I find my self often missing her, only to realize that I’m missing a thought. an Idea or a memory of what she was when we walked the road together. Now I do not know her, yet I feel this strong love and appreciation for her.
For a long time I struggled with this, feeling such strong love for someone who is not even a part of my life any more.
I saw that I was putting limitations on love, and most importantly my own capacity to love.
I have said no to love many times these last years, and I’ve extinguished a lot of fires with my thoughts, and that is okey.
Now that I have connected more deeply to my self, and that I have deeply connected with women on an entirely new level, things have definitely changed a lot. The TMT taught me valuable lessons in how to feel in your own body what someone else is experiencing. How to deeply feel someone, how to sense into them and feel where they want to be touched, caressed, or kissed.
I have released a lot of emotions lately.
I had a moment where I saw patterns flash before me, and I sat there gazing into nothingness.
I sat there connected to some sadness inside me, it kept growing and growing until it found it’s way out into the light.
It let go.
I have cried like a girl, I have wept, I have cried my heart out in the arms of beautiful women.
I have let go of so much, and I have opened my self up to so much more.
When things fall apart, they fall to where they were supposed to be.
And when women see a man fall apart they see something contrary to what our thoughts normally would say.
They see strength, they see courage, they see a man opening up to his own power.
During these years I’ve been busy avoiding everything that is or could be long term.
Relationships, work contracts, renting an apartment, or anything else.
To be honest I’ve had massive issues with commitment for many years.
Now I find this is starting to change.
I have taken the reigns of my financial situation, and all those “circumstances” so that they now support me.
I organized my insurances, automated my bank accounts properly, and I find my self procrastinating much less when it comes to a lot of things. Now before i go to bed, I clean everything up. Make everything tidy and nice. Before that was not always the case.
The biggest change now have been in that the feeling of wanting to be with someone again has exploded inside me again.
I feel open to committing to something again, or someone.
Committing to my self.
So now I feel ready to love someone again, to be loved, and most importantly, I love my self much more than before.